Today I Learned a little more

Today was like the other days except that I am seeing things for what they are and deciding to get out the feelings through the words on this page. At least here I can write and do not have to feel that I can not say what I feel. It was a rough day and those I look to for Hope and Encouragement in this battle have the same story Cindy we are really sorry there is no more we can do.

I am not a lab rat I am not an experiment not a medical record number I am a person named Cindy Russell who lives with the things they did to save me back then only to find out now it is worse then what I had. So as I look at it now I realize I have listened to their words now they can listen to mine. I am not going to just lay down and give up I am going to make sure I give myself a break from it and try and find Peace.

You see for some reason I feel helpless to those that hold my future in there hands, my love for them in their hands, and my Hope.

So today I made a small step towards taking some control of that and it was like I was a baby taking a first step. Like walking to close to the edge of a cliff, for standing on my own was taken from me as well as part of my Heart and Soul.

Today may have been my first baby step not sure if it was right or wrong but it was my choice to take it----

So when I lay down tonight and question it may I start to find strength a piece at a time for we are  all entitled to a choice unless we give it away---- 

 God be with me on this journey ahead and open my eyes, my ears and my Heart for I can not stand alone yet but I can get up a little better, see things for what they are better and hear things more clearly not much but its a start to a place where no matter what happens I will have made concsious decisions about things tonight when I lie down may my mind not trouble or what ifs and my heart not hurt over losses instead let these things rest for I can only change  if I let go and live, breath and be kind and know tomorrow it will start over again