FInding Light in the Dark

May we all find Light in the times when things seem so dark

and find strength in ourselves - Amen

 

Do not let anyone or anything put you in a dark place because it was someone who you believed in a wolf in sheep's clothing. I do not write for sympathy but from my heart and soul to those out there that are afflicted by the many things that life can bring on them and may they know they are not alone. For there may be the wolves in sheep's clothing as there are Angels on Earth. Those that go through suffering will share a message that disabilities create abilities, those that are touched by loss whether it be a loved one, there job , their home, an illness shall open the eyes of others who can help. To reach out to others with an open hand to pull them up, a shoulder to lean on, a tissue to wipe tears,a blanket to keep them warm, shelter over them and food for their body and their soul. I hope my words will Speak for those that can not or are afraid to you are worthy of all the things God has promised and He will find away to let you know. So be watchful for what He wants you to do and Listen for what He wants you to say for you are a part of His plan as I was to I will not be Healed but still he gave me a testimony of His presence to share with others.

 

 

Today I Learned a little more

Today was like the other days except that I am seeing things for what they are and deciding to get out the feelings through the words on this page. At least here I can write and do not have to feel that I can not say what I feel. It was a rough day and those I look to for Hope and Encouragement in this battle have the same story Cindy we are really sorry there is no more we can do.

I am not a lab rat I am not an experiment not a medical record number I am a person named Cindy Russell who lives with the things they did to save me back then only to find out now it is worse then what I had. So as I look at it now I realize I have listened to their words now they can listen to mine. I am not going to just lay down and give up I am going to make sure I give myself a break from it and try and find Peace.

You see for some reason I feel helpless to those that hold my future in there hands, my love for them in their hands, and my Hope.

So today I made a small step towards taking some control of that and it was like I was a baby taking a first step. Like walking to close to the edge of a cliff, for standing on my own was taken from me as well as part of my Heart and Soul.

Today may have been my first baby step not sure if it was right or wrong but it was my choice to take it----

So when I lay down tonight and question it may I start to find strength a piece at a time for we are  all entitled to a choice unless we give it away---- 

 God be with me on this journey ahead and open my eyes, my ears and my Heart for I can not stand alone yet but I can get up a little better, see things for what they are better and hear things more clearly not much but its a start to a place where no matter what happens I will have made concsious decisions about things tonight when I lie down may my mind not trouble or what ifs and my heart not hurt over losses instead let these things rest for I can only change  if I let go and live, breath and be kind and know tomorrow it will start over again

Finding My Way No More I am Sorry

You should never have to say your sorry for just being alive --- Finding strength in God

Everyday Is a gift

Share it with someone

Every Day I travel a new Path

I have finally come to a point where I can journal to get through the days ahead and see positives because I get up everyday. It may not be as easy as it used to be but I am doing it. I try and understand that everyday I will deal with different issues as we all do. I also realized that I had most of my life and would gladly do it again because not matter what I had a heart that was full of love. At first it was hard and I learned how to get back up many times. But I always did maybe a little damaged in some way or another with another scar emotionally or physically.

The thing that makes us who we are is what we think we are and that can be decided by us or the circumstances in our life. That create feelings that we have to sort out within ourselves. It is not easy and we must learn tools to help us do this. I had many scars and was also broken in my eyes as I had let life and those in mine tell me what I should be.

Soon I realized I did not know who Cindy was I did not grow up get straight A's, did not have the comunication skills I needed. I was not able to express my feelings only new to feel I had failed. We all need love and support and there are no two of us alike. That is the downside and the Glory to it. We can be who ever we are if we look withing overselves. There are no rules except those created  around you----- It took me 25 years to give myself a break from trying to be someone else and find myself and stop thinking every bad thing that happened to me I deserved it -------